love does fade; if its not cared for.

Recently I started speaking to my ex again , on friendly terms && ONLY friendly terms. LOL. I made it clear to him a couple months back that I really just want a friendship from him and nothing more. I told him to make it less complicated and just to treat me like one of his homegirls. Its been working well, we dont fight ..we dont talk about the past ...we just basically speak business. I help him with shit he needs help with and thats that.

It was around October when I realized I wasent inlove with my ex anymore. I remember the last time I seen him was in October and he actually took me out to soho to eat at a very fancy/expensive restuarant ... it was a cute gesture ( but by then it was just a little too late ). I enjoyed myself and saw he cared for me still , but I didnt feel that spark , that connection at alll. I then was positively sure there was nothing when we tried getting intimate at his place. Its as though I didnt want to ....I felt no passion. We did it , and exactly right after I felt weird .... like I just wanted to go home and never do that with him again. Since then we havent seen eachother, and I dont plan on it. He has asked me to hang out but I tell him were friends, and we should just keep it at that.

I do still have alot of love for him , and wish him the very best ...he was my first love and all that. But I guess we just been through so much ...and for the past five years hes only brung me so much pain and tears , that it made me forget the good times and the love slowly faded as each day passed by. I was filled with a lot of resentment towards him because of all the times he lied , and hurt me. But finally im not hurt anymore, its as though I feel nothing at all actually.

I thought it was something that could be fixed, and sooner or later my feelings would come back for him like they usually always did. But they havent and today made me realize even more that its the end between me and him. I found his myspace page and as I was being nosey I saw comments from different chicks I know he used to mess around with, talking about how they love him and how they have plans this week and what not ...and none of those comments seemed to phaze me not one bit. I didnt feel hurt , I didnt feel angry. I felt more so ...relieved? like I was happy he was moving on. Its such a weird feeling, because its a new feeling when it comes to him. But it feels fine to me ...I just know that the life he has , is not the life I want for myself. I no longer see myself as "wifey" or the girl he will build his future with, because I know I would never be happy if it were to be that way.

Im so content with the way I feel about the whole situation now....its like a breath of fresh air, like now I can move on for real this time. I can now say I dont love him anymore, and I actually mean it & feel it.