2.22.2009

i been thinking .....

I came to conclusion as to why I am the way I am. I keep blaming it all on the long list of guys that dissapointed me. When come to think of it .....it wasent that which started it. What started it was my father. ( I loove my father to death , seriously I have alwaysss been daddys girl ....and still am ) But hes the reason why I think so less of men and the bullshit they make us deal with.

When I was 13 my father left , but before he left I had to deal with so much drama in my house. He was having an affair with someone and day by day it started to become more noticable that he was. It was only after three years of it that he finally mand-up and told us he was this whole time. I couldnt believe how decieving the situation was, like I trusted my father with my life ....and suddenly he just up and leaves, while sadly my mom was willing to take him back.

I was so young still, I was not at the age to basically take care of my mother and my little brother at the same time. I remember how badly it hit my mother, seeing her cry...seeing her just so depressed all the time. I swear I didnt see my mom crack a smile for years. It hurt the shit out of me ....and it made me hate men so much. To see how someone can love you for 15 years ..have kids with you ...and then just leave you like it was nothing for someone they havent known for that long.

Much of the reason I am the way I am is because of my parents , and what I had to deal with for a couple years till my mom recovered from it all and my dad was able to come back to visit us. Even till this day though shit is a bit awkward when he comes and my mothers home.

I dont hate my mother , or my dad. But I am somewhat full of resentment for what they put me through .... I dont think they know how much it has truely affected me. Ive written poem after poem about it , even a short story on it.
Because im honestly not so good at speaking my mind, so I just spill it all on paper instead.

Ima end this entry though with a video that really reminds me of my situation , these lyrics are very close to my heart. I cry everytime I hear this song because its deffinately how I feel. Every single word of it.




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3 showing love:

the princess *. said...

I ran into your blog randomly :). Anyway but I totally get what you're saying. It's like they should have kept there personal issues between themself cause all that shit we see as a young one def molds us into the ppl we are. But it is what it is. At least he is still in your life. It's sad to see all them yrs of marriage down the drain. I really hate cheaters :( especially in marriage.

stephyy said...

damn girly :( well always be positive shit happens for a reason no matter what you are your own person so only you can change the way you are, you have control how you turn out dont forget that. (and I like kelly clarkson lol shes awesome!)

StarzGazR said...

*new reader*
wow girl.. it's crazy how this happens so often.. i just wrote a blog about this like a few days ago and it's sad the others go through this shit... my father did this as well.. in a worse way-- but it still causes the same amount of pain... hurt and dissapointment..
It makes you question EVERYONES true intention and makes it almost impossible for YOU to have a good healthy relationship.... what makes us stronger though is how we get through it...
Keep you head up mama