I came to conclusion as to why I am the way I am. I keep blaming it all on the long list of guys that dissapointed me. When come to think of it .....it wasent that which started it. What started it was my father. ( I loove my father to death , seriously I have alwaysss been daddys girl ....and still am ) But hes the reason why I think so less of men and the bullshit they make us deal with.
When I was 13 my father left , but before he left I had to deal with so much drama in my house. He was having an affair with someone and day by day it started to become more noticable that he was. It was only after three years of it that he finally mand-up and told us he was this whole time. I couldnt believe how decieving the situation was, like I trusted my father with my life ....and suddenly he just up and leaves, while sadly my mom was willing to take him back.
I was so young still, I was not at the age to basically take care of my mother and my little brother at the same time. I remember how badly it hit my mother, seeing her cry...seeing her just so depressed all the time. I swear I didnt see my mom crack a smile for years. It hurt the shit out of me ....and it made me hate men so much. To see how someone can love you for 15 years ..have kids with you ...and then just leave you like it was nothing for someone they havent known for that long.
Much of the reason I am the way I am is because of my parents , and what I had to deal with for a couple years till my mom recovered from it all and my dad was able to come back to visit us. Even till this day though shit is a bit awkward when he comes and my mothers home.
I dont hate my mother , or my dad. But I am somewhat full of resentment for what they put me through .... I dont think they know how much it has truely affected me. Ive written poem after poem about it , even a short story on it. Because im honestly not so good at speaking my mind, so I just spill it all on paper instead.
Ima end this entry though with a video that really reminds me of my situation , these lyrics are very close to my heart. I cry everytime I hear this song because its deffinately how I feel. Every single word of it.
A lady from the tyra show called me today to tell me she has three tickets for me to come to the tyra show on March 10th. I am SUPPPER excited. I love the tyra show , I just hope its not some stupid sad story one. I would dieeee if its like someone famous coming on the show. Tyras shows are also known for giving her audience free stuff =X Soo lets pray its one of those. LMAO. She said me && my two best friends have to be there before 10am and its two recordings , so TWO seperate shows =) and it ends by like 2:30PM. I am so hyped, if you read my blogs below -- the tyra show was on my list of things to do in 2009 so yeyy for me !
That reallllly brightened up my day, cus I was odee upset when I got an unexpected call .... but thats a bit too personal for blogger. Lets just say my mood was reallll horrible before && to find that out it made it much better. I also went to Mcdonalds with my wifey ( no im not lesbo, i just call my bestfriend that ) and I seen that happy meals were giving out hello kitty watches so I just hadd too !
Anywayss ; ima go clean up my room && try keeping myself calm cool && collective. Trying not to blow up on people as bad as I want to =) loll.
I have a really bad obsession with hello kitty && penguins ...sounds funny I know. LOL. BUT; I just found this googling online && I gotta have them ; asap.
It may be raining outside today , but Im in a very good mood. I really cant even explain why. I just feel positive and content. Today I did something I havent done in a while , I was jumping on my moms bed for like 30minutes .. LMAO. I was so bored and it felt so liberating? As weird as that sounds. It brung me back to my kiddy days. I had fun ; and then I wanted to act a fool so I put on a show for my brother ...blasted the NSYNC and started singing and dancing with him like lunaticks LMAO. None the less , I have a smile on my face. So its a beaaaaaaauutiful day.
I spoke to the kid im talking to which ima start calling * Bkae ...since hes from Brooklyn. Hes so right about me ,and he barely even knows me . Its weirdd ...He was tellin me how its not fair the way I am. How im always bashing dudes, thinking every single one is the same. How I been treated badly by mad dudes , that they left a bad taste in my mouth. But that I need to get off that mind state, cus its true I can be missing out ...I would never know.
SO i think its time to start off brand new; and let the old me go, the way too opinionated fuck guys Jessica needs to go ! LOL.
besides ALL THAT , does anyone know how to fix up these pages. I want my site to be pretty =( lol. But im computer graphic dumb ! If anyone can do anything simple to make it look nice for me plz let me no, Id highhhly appreciate it <3
Recently I started speaking to my ex again , on friendly terms && ONLY friendly terms. LOL. I made it clear to him a couple months back that I really just want a friendship from him and nothing more. I told him to make it less complicated and just to treat me like one of his homegirls. Its been working well, we dont fight ..we dont talk about the past ...we just basically speak business. I help him with shit he needs help with and thats that.
It was around October when I realized I wasent inlove with my ex anymore. I remember the last time I seen him was in October and he actually took me out to soho to eat at a very fancy/expensive restuarant ... it was a cute gesture ( but by then it was just a little too late ). I enjoyed myself and saw he cared for me still , but I didnt feel that spark , that connection at alll. I then was positively sure there was nothing when we tried getting intimate at his place. Its as though I didnt want to ....I felt no passion. We did it , and exactly right after I felt weird .... like I just wanted to go home and never do that with him again. Since then we havent seen eachother, and I dont plan on it. He has asked me to hang out but I tell him were friends, and we should just keep it at that.
I do still have alot of love for him , and wish him the very best ...he was my first love and all that. But I guess we just been through so much ...and for the past five years hes only brung me so much pain and tears , that it made me forget the good times and the love slowly faded as each day passed by. I was filled with a lot of resentment towards him because of all the times he lied , and hurt me. But finally im not hurt anymore, its as though I feel nothing at all actually.
I thought it was something that could be fixed, and sooner or later my feelings would come back for him like they usually always did. But they havent and today made me realize even more that its the end between me and him. I found his myspace page and as I was being nosey I saw comments from different chicks I know he used to mess around with, talking about how they love him and how they have plans this week and what not ...and none of those comments seemed to phaze me not one bit. I didnt feel hurt , I didnt feel angry. I felt more so ...relieved? like I was happy he was moving on. Its such a weird feeling, because its a new feeling when it comes to him. But it feels fine to me ...I just know that the life he has , is not the life I want for myself. I no longer see myself as "wifey" or the girl he will build his future with, because I know I would never be happy if it were to be that way.
Im so content with the way I feel about the whole situation now....its like a breath of fresh air, like now I can move on for real this time. I can now say I dont love him anymore, and I actually mean it & feel it.
Happy valentines Day everyone. I was pretty gloomy about this day coming around , lol but my wifey made it better for me. Yesterday in the mail I got a card from her labeled " from your secret admirer " I was so nervous thinking it was some stalker LOL. But it was her , mind you she lives right next door ( weve been best friends since we were in diapers ). She made me realize we dont need a guy to complete us , valentines day has to do with love in general && friendships. SOO me and her decided to hit the city tonight && watch " He's Just not that into you " since we both read the book together, and absolutely loved it ! Then we are going to go eat most likely at apple bees and have some martinis :). I will put up pictures for sure soon !
Not saying it in a cocky way or anything , but I could have easily had a valentine today ...just decided not to. The guy I was talking to recently wanted to do something for me ...but I really felt it was way too early for all that. Plus theres just so much I am dealing with when it comes to insecurities, trust, and my health more so. Alot I have been slacking on ; that I feel I want to fix before I get myself involved with anyone. I know hes probably upset and thinks I am full of games .... but in reality im not trying to play games with him. I just want to get everything out of the way so I can really be me when I am with him. I dont wanna be hanging out with him and stressing other things, and being moody and bitchy everytime. It would deff throw him off, lol. Id rather be my happy free spirited self when I hang out with him. Which is why I am holding back. I want this valentines day week to just be done, I need to get myself back into church ...because it seriously gives me back my peace of mind. Start doing things I once enjoyed and loved doing , I havent had the time to do anything I enjoy which is why I have been so moody ( minus the birth control pills I was taking to control my period) LOL. Guess it was all just wrong timing ? =/
But yeah now im just ranting, SO im going to stopp. I will re-edit later on tonight when I get back home!
I decided to waste a little time before I go to work in a hour. So I was thinking about how badly I wanted a --- ringpop! lol. I remember those things came out when I was dumbb young. And I was always seeing the commercial like aww I wish some nice boy would give me a ring pop. Of course it didnt happen ....and the chances of it happening now is like 0 ! lol. ( pessemistic much?) But yeah I youtubed the commercial for you all to see it ! Enjoyyy.
Sooo , its 4AM on the DOT. I have work tommorow at 2PM .... and I just cant seem to fall asleep. UGHH ! Lol. Of course my boredom led to youtube. I found this, which just made me remember how amazingly gorgeous this guy is. Ed Westwick also known as Chuck from GossipGirl. I swear I cannot go a monday without watching this show, ive become a full blown fanatic for it . LOL. I just love how its really shot in NYC. But yes I am deeply inlove with Chuck ...his character in the show. Hes like the bad ass ....the bad boy you love to hate, and you know hes no good for you. In real life though he has this accent, and ohemgee ..... theres something about a man with an accent , thats just wow to me.
There are so many things I want to do this year; so many goals I want to accomplish. I have one more week left at work considering they are laying people off .....so now I have more time to do things I've been wanting to do for a while now.
1. Handle stuff with school - I seriously miss college. I am such a nerd when it comes to school; a total perfectionist. I was like A student, and everything I excelled in it or I wouldn't even bother handing it in. I was on honor roll && all that. Unfortunately due to financial aid issues I have been forced to wait it out ....but hopefully by August once I talk my way out of things I will be back on my nerd status. LOL.
2. Join a Gym - Now that I will have time to actually attend a gym I am planning on signing up with my tax return money, LOL. I feel like I was much happier when I was going to the gym. They do say that running makes you a much happier person, less stress due to the production of endorphins. I used to do Yoga while I was attending Kingsborough College .... but it wasn't quite my thing, LOL. So im just going to stick to maybe going for a run every morning && then hitting the gym so basic weight lifting; bike running, and treadmill.
3. Free Arts NYC - This is some volunteer work I have been VERY interested in doing. Every saturday in NYC you can apply to take a few hours of your morning to pair up with a child ( elementary school aged ) and you can join them into making really cool art stuff...painting, sculpting, coloring, ETC. It just seems really interesting and like something I would highly enjoy considering I right now work with childern, and sooner or later will be a NYS Teacher. Plus its always a great feeling to know you helped someone out and was able to put a smile on a little kids face.
4. Tyra Banks Show - YES, I am addicted to this show. I am not home when it on ...but you best believe I leave it recording so I have something to come home to. LOL. My friend once got tickets to go on the show but I had to work, and it was so depressing to me. I just recently signed up though for free tickets on her website for three different days so hopefully one will fall through for me :)
5. Tour NYC - So I have been living in NY my whole entire 22 years of living ....but I feel like I havent seen anything at all that represents NYC itself. Its like im a tourist in my own city. But its really because I just havent had the time. Now I can take advantage to go on walks in central park, enjoy museums and the central park zoo, the statue of liberty, empire state building, southstreet seaport, ride on a horse and carriage in cp, top of the rock, ride one of those double decker buses, maddame tussauds, ellis island, broadway shows, NY skyride, ripleys believe it or not, ride " the beast " ETC. NO I have yet to do any of those things..sad I know ! LOL. and I call myself a New Yorker !
6. Sex & the City Tour - I was trying to do this last year for my birthday , but it seemed to not work out as planned. So this year it just has to happen. Im planning on doing it in May when my cousin come down from Florida , since I know shes a huge fan of the show too. It would be something great to show her , and we can both enjoy it together. It will deffinately be a girls night out on the town that we can always remember.
7. Driving Classes - I need to step my game up when it comes to this , because I am in need of a car badly. The thing is no one has had time to give me driving classes. I already have my permit && that five hour class ceritificate, I just need to sign up for the road test... but am in no way ready to take it yet. So hopefully I can convince someone to give me a few classes, or its off to a driving school for atleast five days since I have driven before. I plan to have my license before I turn 22 in May.
8. Attend church more - I used to go to church every single sunday, and I wouldnt miss it for anything. I just really do enjoy it. But with work and just so much stress I started being too grumpy and too tired to wakeup and take a bus out there. Now I have nothing stopping me. So I can go praise and worship a whole lot more now <3 I am also going to start using youtube for some bible study videos ( along with other cool stuff too).
9. Get my first Tattoo - I have been wanting to FOR THE LONGEST. But I chicken out all the time....I plan on getting in script writing " God is Love "... the o in Love being heart shapped though. Either on my wrist or on the back of my neck. Or I can get something little and just get a small Jesus fish...which is plain and simple. I am not so sure yet, I guess we will see.
10. Free Hugs Campaign - Im not so sure if you all have heard about this, but it caught my interest when I randomly saw it on youtube. Its when you sign up and go to orientations, to become part of a team that just walks around NYC with signs that say FREE HUGS. Its just to symbolize that one hug can go a long way, even if its from a stranger. People have bad days all the time, and you cant front sometimes you just need a hug to make you feel better. I like doing things that just make other people happy , its a great feeling to know you were somehow able to affect a complete stranger with one small gesture. The orientation is on March 7th & the day of the campaign is March 20th and 21st. Heres the video down here to show you what it basically is.
Theres plenty other stuff I would love to do this year but those are just some im really aiming for. So my blogs will soon be getting much more interesting , with pictures and videos on all that goes on :) . If you guys have any other suggestions of things you think I should do , things you have done that youve enjoyed yourself, or volunteer work that you know of please let me know. I will take any suggestions. I want to make this a year I will forever remember, and know that I waisted none of my time during it.
So I have definitely been on my whole fuck love mood .....I'm not sure if its because its February the month of love and all that . But Ive just been soo blahhh , like everyday I wake up and Im just like ughh . I cant stand seeing couples on the train ; and when my friends speak on there significant others im just so un- interested.. not because im jealous or anything, I love seeing my friends happy and all ...but IDK. I do have this guy im interested in ...and he seems so different from guys I USUALLY get with. ( But isnt that how it always starts? "hes soo different" && then a couple months pass && true colors start showing ...? ) or am I just being too cautious? Ive been through a lot with guys. One too many assholes. My friends are all like I gotta give it time, if I dont give it a shot I will never know if hes another asshole or if he really will be a rare one. Its just scary to know I have to throw myself into a situation, and end up getting hurt maybe. Im letting my past really affect me though a lot more than ever. I never call him, and sometimes when he calls I ignore it. Honestly we only speak if he calls me and stuff. Im scared hes going to be like im putting so much work and effort into it & shes not so fuck it you know ? Im so confused on what to do. I think ima just let it flow ....and see what comes out of it.
whats the worst that can happen .... either way im gunna learn something from it right ?
Not your average girl. Please dont compare me to the next chick. Colombian background. Gemini. American born. Sarcasm is my best attribute. IN LOVE with Jesus Christ
Open-minded.Hip Hop is my lifestyle. Shoe Addict -Im literally going to be the woman who lived in her shoes. The little things in life make me happiest. Knowing Im loved & appreciated is my greatest joy.
To all of my followers ; If you have any questions ; request; or ideas for my blog please contact me - via email (Jsalazar529@yahoo.com) or via twitter (@simpllygorjess). I will respond and be happy to try out any request you have for me :]
Same goes for Companies or Music Artist/Writers Etc that want me to review/test or sponsor their products or work.
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