4.16.2009

love hurts.

My life right now is smooth sailing ...seriously everything is on the right path. I'm doing soooo good in school, like the little nerd I am. Plus I'm enjoying it, I cannot wait to be a teacher. Ive been writing A LOT lately....for people that know me my first dream was to become a well known author by the age of 40 LOL. I stopped writing for a while; cus I didn't have any inspiration. So much to the point that I changed my major to Early Childhood Education. I don't regret it because working with kids is something I want to do for a while. But now that I'm back into my writing I can work on getting things out there , and trying to get published. Well see how all that goes. The relationship with my parents have always been good , but right now its solid strong..and I love that I no longer have to feel the need to lie to my parents about anything , or hide shit from them. My mom & dad are really amazing parents, so I'm grateful. Ive been asking God for another sibling for a while now -- and in September my little angel will be coming into this world. We just found out it's a boy :) I really cannot wait. Then there's my brother now ...I spend most of my free time with him like I've been wanting to ; and I'm helping him get a long with life when it comes to school and all that. Me and my brother have always had a close bond , so there has never been issues there. I'm just happy he is now healthy and safe. My life seems pretty good now....

At least it sounds like I should be happy right ? But for some reason every night as I'm praying I cry my eyes out. I start and when I do I cant seem to stop myself. I pray for hours ....every night, because I know no matter what I say God wont judge me; and hes the only one I know wont judge me or get tired of hearing the same thing over and over again. When I'm done praying I lay in bed and think of memories me & the ex had before ...and the tears come again. Its been like this for five days straight ....and I have yet to tell a soul. I'm hurting so much inside, but I cover it so damn well. I miss the shit out of him ..and I hate it. I have everything I wanted in life , but him. I feel empty inside and lonely....and sure I can have other dudes; but I don't like any of them enough to spend time on them. Im forced to move on though; and with Gods help I will become strong again.


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3 showing love:

stephyy said...

Jess you'll be able to think of another man the same way you think of your ex, life is full of experience, we learn diff shit all the time with diff guys. Idk your ex but its time to let him go, and I know its hard trust me, but keep yourself busy, you dnt even have to find another guy let the guy of your dreams find you :) rmemeber!! "Good things, come to those who wait" so be chillin like a villain, and enjoy yourself :) we'll get through it :D!! *motivation motivation * lol

crYstal said...

mamita, I know exactly what you are saying. God is always going to hear you out and help you. I know it's hard because you're missing your ex but God will mend your broken heart. I wish you the best!

-CQ

MAi . said...

i completely understand how you feel and i hope you the best in trying to keep yourself from wanting to chase after him [from your previous post]. i'm somewhat in the same shoes and i hope you feel better. ;]] worse part of the whole thing is the time process but eventually you'll get through it, if he hasn't come back to you already..